Less of Me

Philippians 3:10 That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death.

For all those that claim this as their life scripture, I'm impressed. I would have preferred something a little more upbeat like 2 Corinthians 9:8 And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things, at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

Blessing and abundance sell much better than suffering and death.

Philippians 3:10 is a scripture that we love to quote half a verse, 'That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection', leaving off the bits about sufferings and death. Yet if we could grasp Philippians 3:10 it would revolutionize our life, our family, our church and the world. You might think that's a whopper of a statement, and it is, in terms of life changing. It changed my life.

I remember where I was when I first prayed this passage of scripture.

I remember what was happening when I decided I shouldn't have prayed this scripture.

I know who I am thanks to having prayed this scripture.

My Christian heritage is rich. From early childhood I have been intimately acquainted with God's Glory, His miraculous healing power, the provision God has for us and even the ability to make something out of nothing. As I grew I felt that I knew God, little did I know that I was merely acquainted with the tip of his little finger. It was like saying I knew all about the United States because I'd visited Delaware.

Just after turning 30 I began to ask God for more of Him in my life. I felt that my walk with Him had become stagnant, stale and predictably routine. Missing was the intimate moments with God and the miraculous seemed to have vanished. Then I had an a-ha moment when I made two decisions that changed my life.

1. I was born to worship God. I will choose to worship Him no matter how I feel, no matter my circumstances or situation, no matter how boring the service. After all God is bigger than all those things.

2. I want to have the Fruit of the Spirit be in evident in my life in all things. A Galatians 5 Woman.

I began to pray Philippians 3:10. Lord, I want to have more of you and less of me in my life. I want to become acquainted with your presence and power. Lord, I know that the Fruit of the Spirit can only mature in my life when there are difficult situations that allow it to grow. After all love, joy and peace are easy to have when everything is going your way. I can even recall the road I was driving down when I finally said to the Lord, "God if I pray this prayer and mean it, I know what will happen", referring to the portion on suffering. "God I want to know you, your power and your presence and if I need to mature and die to my old nature to do it, I'm ready."

Let me tell you....be sure you are ready before you pray that one.

For the next three years life went along comfortably. My love relationship with Jesus grew through my worship and I began to see some of the old nature (pride, anger, etc) grow smaller. Then God kicked it up a notch. Please remember that God doesn't have bad things to give out, but sometimes bad things do happen to us. This is prime time to allow Him to work in us, teaching us to rely on Him and display His nature.

In a span of 24 months I:

1. Had kidney stones 3 times.

2. Got a divorce because my husband decided he'd rather live an alternative life style.

3. Ended up with $19,000 worth of debt from the marriage.

4. Discovered I had elevated calcium levels causing the kidney stones; elevated due to one growth on my parathyroid gland and one on my thyroid gland.

5. The two growths were wrapped around and pressing on my vocal chords causing me to lose my voice. My voice would give out after fifteen minutes, and singing was out of the question.

6. The required surgery called for them to cut my vocal chords, which could result in damaging my voice and losing the ability to sing.

7. The non-profit company I run was hauled into court by disgruntled parents charging that we were abusive and neglecting their adult children. This one made the AP news wire with a national story about me allegedly abusing our clients.

Now, ask me about the fellowship of his sufferings.

All were situations that I had no control over and could not fix despite my own efforts. I had to rely totally on Him to see me through. One of the many prayers I prayed during the 24 months was, "God, whatever lesson I'm supposed to learn through all this please let me learn the first time through." They were difficult times. But God was there.

Would I choose to live those 24 months again? No. But I will never regret living those 24 months and wouldn't change a thing. You see in those 24 months when it seemed that everything was crashing and burning, I worshiped Jesus no matter what it looked like. When it seemed that the situation couldn't get worse, yet is did, I met every moment with the love, joy and peace of the Lord. A lot of the old me died during those 24 months; the new me is thanks to Jesus.

Three years have passed since the end of my 24 months. Looking at it through man's eyes you'd say that all things resolved. I'm a debt free, happy single woman that owns two homes. My signing voice is richer and stronger than before the surgery. As their case fell apart the lawsuit was dismissed and the disgruntled people left the agency. The company is more prosperous than before the trouble began, receiving an award from the state for quality programming.

Looking at it through God's eyes, it was Him that brought miraculous resolution to every situation. I am not the same person that started this journey eight years ago. I have been transformed through the death to me process. There is less of me and more of Him.

Three Sundays ago I stood in the choir loft and prayed, "God I need to know you more, whatever the cost. God I do understand what I'm saying and what that might means, and I want more of you no matter what comes my way."

Stay Tuned. God isn't finished with me yet.

Kim Angela